Fear, excitement, and indecision

Sorry for the delay in posting. Despite no longer having a regular job, I’ve still managed to be incredibly busy. And also I’m just a terrible procrastinator.

Quick sum-up of the last month:

Songkran: 3 day water festival. AKA 3 days of straight chaos.

Trip to Pai, reunion with Stoio (friend from my Philly days, now 4 years and 4 moves ago). Terrifying walk along Pai Canyon (AKA cliffs of death).

Went xorbing. Which is basically just rolling down a hill while strapped inside a giant inflatable ball.

Moved out of my condo and into a house with my friend, renewed my tourist visa for one final month of residence here.

Finally finished the first draft of my copywriting website (caitlinfairty.com). It’s not perfect, but it’s something! If you’re good at web design and want to help me make it better…gimme a call.

Another trip to Pai! This time with new friends (and Bridget ❤ )

Pretty much the only picture I took on our second trip to pai. Too busy eating pancakes to take more pictures

Now, I have two weeks left in Thailand. And as I prepare for my return to the country of my birth, I have a lot of mixed feelings. I’m excited for reunions with people I love. I’m excited for labels in grocery stores I can actually read. I’m excited for good wine and proper Mexican food. I’m excited for no police checkpoints or immigration renewals. I’m excited for small talk I understand, road signs written in English, and the cool breezy weather of the West coast.

But I am also anxious.

I’m scared of returning to a place where Trump is still inexplicably in power. A place that seems so often riddled with racism, hatred, and corruption. I’m scared that my $3000 life savings will not last me in a country far more expensive than this one. Scared (terrified, even) of having to cook for myself again. In Thailand, eating out costs as little as $1. For someone basically inept in the kitchen (unless we’re talking baked goods), this place is a food paradise. Today I tried to make toast. TOAST. Seems pretty easy. It’s not. I burned it. Twice. And now I will have to return to preparing food for myself? Lord help me.

I’m worried about the potential difficulty of readjusting to a culture vastly different from the one I’ve been immersed in for the last 16 months. Worried about what I will do, where I will go. What my next step will be.

And the truth is, my future is a mystery to me. On May 25th I will arrive in LA. On September 9th I will be at my sister’s wedding in MI. Beyond that, nothing is planned. It’s exciting, as ever, to have the world open to me. The choice of where to live, what to do, who to be. It’s a blank slate. But with the vast choices comes vast indecision.

So maybe I’ll stay in America. Move to San Diego with my friend Carissa, get a job, get a cat, live a normal life. Maybe I’ll just couch surf for a while. Or (PROBABLY NOT) move back to Michigan where my parents are. Maybe, after the wedding, I’ll come back to Thailand and continue life here. Maybe I’ll go to South America (never been there). Maybe Iceland. Maybe try to hit up North Dakota and Alaska and finish all 50 states. WHO KNOWS!

There’s a quote I’ve always liked, because it describes my life pretty well.


Stay tuned.

2 thoughts on “Fear, excitement, and indecision

  1. I survived Nixon and Bush – you will survive Trump! I once burned a pan of water before I remembered I was boiling it for spaghetti, and now I can cook enough to survive – you will learn to cook enough to get by. You’ve done incredible things on this journey of yours. They say that living outside the U.S. makes one appreciate it more (blemishes and all). Just give it some time once you land in LAX.

    All these incredible experiences you’ve enjoyed will add up to something great, whether it’s riding a dog sled in Alaska or getting a cat to live with and “settle down”. I’m looking forward to reading more of your adventures!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s